As My Heart Remembers
by Syntyche
Summary: Once, when night seemed forever, I was with you.
1. I

**Title:** As My Heart Remembers  
**Author:** Syntyche  
**Rating:** PG, to be on the safe side :)  
**Archiving:** Ask me please, so I know where it's going  
**Disclaimer:** Anything recognizable belongs to George Lucas, I guess, and this story is not meant to infringe on copyrights held by Lucasfilm or anything associated with them. I'm not making any money off this story, but maybe if I were I'd be through school already.  
**Time frame:** Two years before TPM; Obi-Wan is 23.  
**Tissue Warnings:** Not sure about this one. I didn't kill Obi this time!!  
**Summary:** Once, when night seemed forever, I was with you.  
**Disclaimer #2: **Jhesana is my creation, but she came into being before I knew of the character Tahl from the _Jedi Apprentice_ series.

all of the flashback sequence dialog is in _italics_.

Finally, the songs belong to Enya, and I'm sure the story looks really funny with the lyrics, but if you heard them while you were reading, so you at least have the melody in your head and they're not just printed words, you'll get along tons better. :) I especially recommend 'Wild Child' for the rain scene.

As My Heart Remembers  
By: Syntyche

Slowly, methodically, his slender hands packed the loamy earth over the mound firmly.

_Ever close your eyes …_  
_Ever stop and listen …_

His body moved of its own accord as his thoughts swirled. All he could think of was her: her bright, laughing eyes; auburn hair that tumbled to her waist in waves; petal-soft lips that curved in the certain smile she reserved for him alone; the way her body molded to his so perfectly that he knew she was made just for him.

_Ever feel alive …_  
_And you've nothing missing_

And, wonder of it all, she loved him. Despite his insecurities, his awkward clumsiness, and the way his voice stumbled when he was nervous, Jhesana Rayeso loved him, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

She loved him. And had told him so many, many times in her throaty whisper as her delicate fingers caressed his face, 'seeing' him for her.

_You don't need a reason …_  
_Let the day go on and on …_

It was so funny. They had practically grown up as Padawans together, and he'd never noticed her dry sense of humor, or her unwavering faith in what she believed was right, or the boundless compassion that had brought her into contact with him again and turned his life – their lives – so gloriously upside down.

_Let the rain fall down_  
_Everywhere around you …_

Her quiet courage and compassion had led her to volunteer her services to aide the diplomatic team of Master Qui-Gon Jinn and his Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi in negotiations with the Terkelians, a race dependent on a tactile language due to the permanent twilight state of Terkel. The blind Jhesana had offered her services, both as an aide and in her normal capacity of Healer.

It was becoming somewhat of an unspoken protocol to send a Healer with Jinn and Kenobi, anyway.

Jhesana and Obi-Wan had re-taken to each other immediately. He was twenty-three, she, twenty-two.

She had done well, Obi-Wan remembered proudly, easing them along gently when they would have stumbled trying to communicate in a dark world. Her abilities as a Healer had been welcome, as well. He and Jhesana had spent much time together near his Master's bedside during Qui-Gon's convalescence. When it was time for he and Qui-Gon to depart on their next mission, she occupied his thoughts, and it was to her that he went first upon their return to the Temple.

_Give into it now …_  
_Let the day surround you_

Qui-Gon Jinn watched his Padawan quietly, adding his own memories to the ones Obi-Wan was unconsciously projecting.

*

The time came when they were separated for the three longest months of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jhesana Rayeso's lives. Holo transmissions flew back and forth from Malastare, where Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan had been dispatched, and the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, but Qui-Gon had been surprised to find, the times he had been in the room while Obi-Wan and Jhesana communicated, that it was nothing like the mere "crush" he'd expected. There were smiles and laughter, but the surprising absence of the usual giddiness of young love made him take a second look at the new presence in his Padawan's life. Qui-Gon even spoke to Jhesana privately once and was greatly impressed with the young woman. He also noticed a change in Obi-Wan. The underlying self-recrimination that had always hidden in his Padawan's Force signature was slowly dissipating, and instead Qui-Gon saw the fine lines of Obi-Wan's love for Jhesana growing and strengthening rapidly.

Upon their return to Coruscant, Qui-Gon was not at all surprised when, three days later, Obi-Wan and Jhesana stood before him, their hands clasped, and quietly asked his permission to marry. He'd been incredibly touched by their consideration; his consent was hardly necessary, but he'd given it immediately with his blessing on the union.

Life with Obi-Wan had certainly been interesting in days preceding the wedding; he'd taken to walking around with an incredible grin on his face and Qui-Gon watched all his layers of self doubt and self loathing slip away as if they'd never even been.

The wedding itself was small, with only their closest friends present. Jhesana's parents lived beyond the Outer Rim, and Obi-Wan had been left an orphan farther back than he could remember. Despite his newfound confidence, Obi-Wan had been a bundle of nerves up till the ceremony, and Qui-Gon had had to gently straighten the younger man's robe and re-braid Obi-Wan's long plait when Obi-Wan's fingers shook too badly to complete the tasks. He offered Qui-Gon a shaky smile and, to Qui-Gon's surprise, stepped forward quickly to give his Master a brief hug.

*

Qui-Gon noticed Obi-Wan's fingers were shaking now as he combed the crumbly earth over. He knelt beside his trembling Padawan and placed his own large hands over Obi-Wan's, stilling the twitching of his fingers.

_You don't need a reason_  
_Let the rain go on and on …_

_*_

The rain beat down on their shoulders, but they didn't care. Jhesana's laughter was infectious, and Obi-Wan laughed with her as they stumbled through the downpour, their shoes sliding on the wet stone walkway. Obi-Wan carried their luggage over his shoulder with his free hand grasping his new bride's, and Jhesana held the robe he'd long ago shed over both of their heads in an attempt to keep them somewhat dry – not that it worked: they were a sodden, giggling mess when they finally tumbled into the stone cottage where they would spend the next week.

*

As Obi-Wan's memories progressed, Qui-Gon carefully withdrew from their bond but moved a hand up to Obi-Wan's shoulder and squeezed gently.

_What a day_  
_What a day to take to_

_What a way_  
_What a way_  
_To make it through_

_*_

In the warm lantern light of the cottage, Obi-Wan stared into Jhesana's sightless eyes. _You're beautiful, _he whispered, stroking her wet hair from her eyes. _I love you, so much._ She caught his hand and leaned into his embrace, kissing him gently before inclining her head to rest against his cheek.

_Are you feeling better?_ she questioned softly, laughter evident in her voice, and felt his answering smile against her hair.

_I don't think I've ever been quite so embarrassed_, he replied sheepishly. _I guess now you've lost your idea of me as your invincible protector._

She swatted him with a hand but made no move to leave his arms. _Untrue. I'll just have to remember when we travel that you get motion sickness. I'm sure you were a sight!_ Her arms tightened around his neck involuntarily. _Obi-Wan_, she said slowly.

_Jhesana, what?_ he asked when she trailed off.

_I wish ... _she breathed, _I wish I could see you right now. I wish I could see your face when I tell you I love you. I wish I could see you smile. I wish I could see the love in your eyes when you tell me that you love me, _she whispered fiercely, and Obi-Wan's heart clenched at the sadness radiating from her.

He moved his lips by her ear._ Jhesana,_ he whispered, _Let me show you how much I love you._

He reached out to take the hand she offered willingly, and led her upstairs.

_Once, as my heart remembers,_  
_all the stars were fallen embers_  
_Once, when night seemed forever_  
_I was with you_

_What is it? _Jhesana asked curiously, sensing the signature of a tiny presence near her husband's. In reply, Obi-Wan scooped up both of her hands with one of his own and dropped the tiny creature into her waiting palms with the other.

_I'm not sure_, he grinned. _I think it's a large, mutated rat._

_Obi-Wan Kenobi!_ Jhesana shrieked, her hands parting involuntarily. Obi-Wan's quick reflexes caught the animal before it could strike the floor.

_I'm kidding!! Jhesana, I'm kidding,_ he placated, replacing the creature in her cupped palms and running a finger between its' small ears. _It's kinda cute, actually._ And he supposed it was, from a certain point of view. It looked rather homely to him, but he'd nearly stumbled over the tiny cat-like creature on his way back to the Temple; it seemed to be favoring a wounded hind leg.

Jhesana sighed. She had quickly discovered Obi-Wan had a penchant for picking up stray animals, most of which found their way to Qui-Gon's quarters. _Oh, Obi-Wan. Why do I sense we've picked up another pathetic lifeform?_

_*_

end part one ...


	2. II

As My Heart Remembers  
By: Syntyche

Part Two

_What a day_  
_What a day to take to_  
_A wild child_

Qui-Gon finally moved his hands from his Padawan's after Obi-Wan's trembling had subsided somewhat.

"I'm sorry," Obi-Wan murmured, and Qui-Gon was unsurprised to see a sheen of tears in his eyes.

"Oh, Padawan," he said softly, drawing him into a comforting embrace like he had when Obi-Wan was a small boy. Obi-Wan didn't say anything else; he leant his head on Qui-Gon's shoulder and the Jedi Master stroked his arm soothingly. Gently, Qui-Gon eased back into the bond, adding another memory....

*

Qui-Gon pressed the door chime hesitantly. He thought perhaps he was intruding by arriving a little early to continue with Obi-Wan's training, but he wryly admitted to himself that meal preparation simply wasn't as easy as it was made out to be. His appreciation for Obi-Wan's culinary skills had increased after the young Jedi had moved out of their shared quarters.

_Kitchen,_ Obi-Wan called out shortly, and Qui-Gon ducked into the small room, immediately breaking into a grin at the sight that greeted him. Obi-Wan was rapidly chopping vegetables into small piles, which he intermittently dumped into a sizzling pan on the stovetop. Like Jhesana, he still wore his morning robe, and his hair definitely looked slept on: flat on one side and sticking out on the other. Jhesana offered Qui-Gon a greeting as she sensed his entrance, but didn't draw away from the batter she was stirring. Qui-Gon watched as she pulled a piece of fruit from the basket on the table and lobbed it toward Obi-Wan; his Padawan reached up and caught it as it sailed toward him, and it immediately went under the whacking of the knife without Obi-Wan even breaking stride.

_Morning, Master. _Though he couldn't see Obi-Wan's face, Qui-Gon knew Obi-Wan was grinning. _You're early. Would you like some breakfast?_

_Er … that would be most … appreciated, Padawan_, Qui-Gon replied, somewhat sheepishly but readily taking the seat at the table that Obi-Wan gestured to with a flick of his hand.

_What would you like, Master Jinn?_ Jhesana inquired, scooping up Obi-Wan's newly-created pile of chopped fruit and sprinkling it into the pancakes on the griddle. _We have pancakes and omelet. Some of each, perhaps? With tea?_

Qui-Gon's stomach rumbled with the anticipation of someone who had existed on dry cereal and soup for too long. _That would be wonderful, Jhesana. Thank you._ He sat quietly and watched them work together in perfect harmony. Jhesana's arm slid around Obi-Wan's waist briefly as he flipped pancakes and he flashed her a sweet smile.

He was not wearing the same sweet smile a week later when he showed up late one night at Qui-Gon's door with a pillow tucked under his arm. Qui-Gon grinned.

_Women, huh? _he guessed, eyebrow raised.

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. _Women!_

*

_Once, in the care of morning_  
_In the air was all belonging_  
_Once, when that day was dawning_  
_I was with you_

From somewhere deep inside himself, Obi-Wan managed a laugh, but it ended on a hopeless note and he burrowed deeper into the safety of Qui-Gon's arms, trying to prevent the tears from sliding down his face. Qui-Gon hugged him tighter, murmuring indistinct words of comfort to reassure his Padawan that he was with him.

*

_Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan!!_ Jhesana's voice was brimming with excitement and she nearly pounced on him when he returned to their apartment, exhausted but invigorated by his increasing success in sparring with his Master. He caught her easily, though his sore arms protested and he set her down gently.

_What?_

_Come here,_ She was tugging him in the direction of the couch._ I want to show you what I learned today._

Obi-Wan sat and pulled her into his lap, eager to hear what she had to say. Through a lot of string-pulling and arm-twisting on Qui-Gon's part, they had managed to procure the services of a Master who specialized in blind Force-sensitives. She would be teaching at the Temple for the next semester, and Jhesana had been thrilled to have the opportunity to train with her. _Well?_

_Close your eyes, _Jhesana instructed. Obi-Wan obeyed compliantly, but one eye squinted open reflexively as he watched her. _Now picture yourself in your mind._

Obi-Wan frowned, but did so. He could sense Jhesana feeling cautiously along the edge of their bond. _What are you doing?_

_I'm going to see you, _she smiled. _Now hush so I can concentrate._

Obi-Wan was proud of her efforts and carefully let his shields fall away, leaving his mind open to her. He felt her breath catch and squeezed her hand.

_Obi-Wan,_ Jhesana whispered,_ I see you. I see you!! _Her fingers came up to trace his face gently and he leaned into her touch, thrilled with her joy and her newfound ability. He would call Qui-Gon and thank him first thing. _You match your soul, _Jhesana said softly, her fingers coming to rest on his jawline.

_What? _Obi-Wan asked curiously.

_You're beautiful_, she answered with a quiet smile. _Like your soul._

Obi-Wan would have been embarrassed if he weren't so inexplicably touched. _Well, I'm not really that good-looking. I embellished it a bit. I'm really only 5'2" and that's not my real hair,_ he teased. _Ow!!_ He protested when she yanked on his braid.

_Feels pretty real to me, flyboy,_ Jhesana grinned. _You're such a liar._

_Hey, lie, a Jedi does not,_ he retorted. _Tell the truth, we do … from a certain point of view._

Jhesana grew serious. _Obi-Wan … am I beautiful?_

In reply, Obi-Wan summoned up a memory he kept secreted in his heart, an image of Jhesana on their wedding day, clad in a simple white dress with her auburn hair twisted into a long plait that reached her waist. A smile spread across Jhesana's face as she saw herself in her husband's mind.

_Mrs. Kenobi,_ he said mock-solemnly,_ I think you're even more beautiful than I am!!_

Jhesana giggled and poked his bicep and Obi-Wan, knowing from experience what she would go for next, immediately captured her hand before it could make the slide to the sensitive skin of his ribcage. He was immensely grateful she didn't have mastery of the Force-tickling trick Qui-Gon liked to employ on troublesome apprentices.

Her fingers curled around his, rubbing the ring on his left hand. _Obi-Wan … what is the color of my eyes called?_ she asked carefully.

_Turquoise. _His own fingers came up to brush her closed eyelids gently.

_And what about yours?_

Obi-Wan thought a moment. _Sort of a bluish-greeny-grey, I think …_

_*_

_How far we are from morning,_  
_How far are we_  
_And the stars shining through the darkness_  
_Falling in the air_

Qui-Gon remembered when the call came. He remembered feeling Obi-Wan's wash of shock and horror over their bond and feeling the need to move heaven and earth if he must to reach his Padawan.

Obi-Wan and Jhesana had had three short months together after their four month courtship. Seven months to live and learn and love when they should have had the rest of their lives. It was one of the few times Qui-Gon had felt like screaming at the Living Force.

He remembered Obi-Wan's white face, the slackness of his fingers as Qui-Gon grasped them gently to pull him from the room where they had laid Jhesana. He guided an unresisting Obi-Wan down into a chair where the young man simply sat, unspeaking and staring into the distance. Qui-Gon sat with him, determined that if all Obi-Wan wanted to do was sit and stare, he would stay with him, as his Master, and as his friend.

Obi-Wan pulled away slowly, twisting the simple wedding band off his finger. He started to place it on the modest stone that marked Jhesana's grave, but his hand stilled over the marker. Carefully, he secured the ring in his tunic. He wasn't surprised that he was crying, but it didn't seem to make what had happened any more real. Jhesana was gone, but his heart couldn't comprehend it.

"I was blessed to have had her," he said quietly, sitting back on his knees. His voice caught, and Qui-Gon could see his shoulders shaking.

"Yes, Obi-Wan. You were. And she was blessed to have you for the time she was given."

Obi-Wan gave him a drawn smile over his shoulder, and Qui-Gon sensed the unspoken request in his Padawan's eyes. He squeezed Obi-Wan's arm one last time before rising. "Let me know when you're ready to leave, Padawan."

Qui-Gon cast a final look at the freshly-dug grave and turned away from the young man kneeling beside it. As he moved away, he heard Obi-Wan speaking again, whispering of his love for her, and just before he was out of earshot, Qui-Gon caught the faint strains of Obi-Wan singing softly. He knew enough of his Padawan's native language to translate the foreign words:

_Once, as the night was leaving_  
_Into us our dreams were weaving_  
_Once, all dreams were worth keeping_  
_I was with you_

_Once, when our hearts were singing,_  
_I was with you_

end.


End file.
